Man of the Folks Will Lock Himself in Borrowed Home

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Eric Reads The Information is a day by day humor column which skewers politics, popular culture, celeb, shade, and schadenfreude.

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Like an overpriced grocery store in a quickly gentrifying neighborhood, the White Home is boarding itself up in anticipation of Election Day. After a last week of internet hosting superspreader marketing campaign occasions throughout the nation and leaving constituents stranded in distant areas with no means of returning (each metaphorically and actually), Donald Trump plans to return to a home he doesn’t personal, put up an unscalable fence exterior, and switch off the lights, in accordance with a report from CNN. Federal authorities are anticipated to erect the fence and different defensive measures across the White Home as an emblem of our enduring and purposeful democracy.

Like a frenzied character in a well-made mid-century play who spends a lot of the primary act willfully wreaking havoc earlier than breaking a lamp and locking himself within the toilet, Donald Trump will likely be reporting to his dressing room for the climax the place he will likely be tweeting and ready for the curtain name.

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Apparently an enormous fan of the novel Go away the World Behind, Donald Trump will likely be spending election night time pretending to be the guide’s central characters by refusing to go away a home constructed by Black individuals.

Donald Trump, a famous Beetlejuice, was summoned years in the past by a minority of the citizens too embittered by the grief of realizing the American Dream is a fallacy invoked to reaffirm a caste system that retains most on the underside and is now invoking squatters rights. This, in fact, is an ironic flip of occasions given the aggressive anti-tenant techniques employed by Trump and his son-in-law, Jared Kushner, who’s like if the Chuckie doll was a haunted porcelain Victorian figurine created by a racist algorithm.

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The White Home has elected to take the Bartleby the Scrivener method to the need of the individuals and embraced the originalist interpretation of votes as “merely strategies provided by white males.” Maybe the confusion lies in mistaking “legally registered voters and Americans” for “invading British troops circa 1814”. A typical mistake.

Apparently assuming that members of the Democratic get together have spent the final 4 years coaching for Parkour and constructing Batman-style units for combatting super-villains, the White Home is being remodeled right into a fortress towards its two best enemies: People and actuality. Producers of American Ninja Warrior are anticipated to movie the following season of the collection on the White Home garden.

It’s unclear what the White Home fears by erecting this new system of defenses. Maybe they suppose White Home switchboards will likely be overtaken by phone-banking for ActBlue. “Oh God, not enfranchisement and an empowered citizens!” the Trump administration cries, slamming the door of the Lincoln bed room like a petulant teen. Although the left is a assorted and vibrant majority of the inhabitants, it appears secure to say that few have spent the Trump administration years perfecting the usage of a grappling hook.

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Like a split-level that seems its porch gentle at 2pm on Halloween, the White Home is making an attempt to persuade the American public that nobody is house and there will likely be no treats. After years of sowing chaos, stoking violence, and enacting horror on kids, households, and people in a myriad of the way, the Trump administration clearly expects retribution in the one language it speaks. Not happy with the protections constructed right into a White Home that has safeguarded the leaders of the nation by way of many years of geopolitical strife, peaceable civil protests, and the specter of nuclear struggle, the pinnacle of the armed forces retreats to a bunker in hopes of being shielded from the largest menace to his model of American presidency: the American individuals.

In conclusion, Trump builds wall.

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